Mouse Animation Willie's Joke Page


Drummers


Rednecks

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."


Observations


Engineers

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess." He bent down, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I will tell everyone how brave and smart you are and how you are my hero." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said,"If you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back in his pocket.

The frog then cried out,"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I will stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING that you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back in his pocket.

Finally the frog asked,"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a year, and do anything that you want! Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said,"Look - I'm an engineer. I wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool !!!"


Computers

This is a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired. However, the ex-employee is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause." This is from the taped conversation leading up to the dismissal.

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV- does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"...Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power...a power outage? Aha, okay. We've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


Parents Notes To School

These are actual excuse notes from parents(including original spelling).
They were collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch.


Creation

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Tommy, what is the matter?"

Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


Marriage in the Computer Age

Tech support: Please help!

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,

Joe

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 It will emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0. Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support."I recommend your keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to end the command C:\APOLOGIZE.In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the Performance of Wife 1.0 I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Al


Timing

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."


Wise Advice from Kids

Collected by Jennifer Pritchard


Northerners Visiting the South

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:


Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid


Random Thoughts and Middle Aged Wisdom

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