Mouse Animation Willie's Joke Page


This is a whole new crop of (mostly) wit and (a little) wisdom. To see the old jokes, click here.

Quotes

"Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and natural things that money can buy"
- Steve Martin

"Realiity is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"TOO MANY PIECES OF MUSIC FINISH TOO LONG AFTER THE END."
--Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
-- Lily Tomlin


Murphy's Technology Laws

# 1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
# 2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
# 3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
# 4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
# 5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
# 6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
# 7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.
# 8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
# 9: All's well that ends... period.
# 10: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
# 11: The first myth of management is that it exists.
# 12: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
# 13: New systems generate new problems.
# 14: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
# 15: We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.
# 16: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
# 17: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years

Dating Yourself

How many do you remember? Start counting: If you remembered 0 to 5, you're still young
If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older.
If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt

Pragmatism

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn`t seen a woman in years. Just co-operate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I`m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."

More Rednecks

You know you're a Redneck if...

Safety

Is the Human Race doomed through stupidity?
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

Real Musicians

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

Higher Education

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

Texas Salesman of the Year

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well,the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says "$101,237.64"
Boss says "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'

Learning Experience

A 7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say "Hell" and you say "ass." The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, "Ah hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts quickly. WHACK!! The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like... "I don't know," the 4 year old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."...

Drinking and Driving

The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

Why Men Are Proud Of Themselves

Restaurants

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.". . The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies... ..."You just happened to catch my eye!"

Classified Ads

Free Yorkshire Terrier.
8 Years Old. Hateful Little Dog.

Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog

Free Puppies...
Part German Shepherd - Part Stupid Dog

German Shepherd 85 Lb.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Found: Dirty White Dog.
Looks Like A Rat.
Been Out Awhile.
Better Be Reward.

1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub -- $850/Offer

Amana Washer $100.
Owned By Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed.

Snow Blower For Sale.
Only Used On Snowy Days.

2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves:
1 5-Finger, 1 3-Finger, Pair: $15

Tickle Me Elmo, Still In Box,
Comes With Its Own 1988 Mustang,
5l, Auto, Excellent Condition $6800

Cows, Calves Never Bred.
Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale.

83 Toyota Hunchback - $2000

Star Wars Job Of The Hut - $15

Soft & Genital Bath Tissues Or Facial Tissue 89 Cents

Full Sized Mattress.
20 Yr. Warranty.
Like New. Slight Urine Smell.

Free 1 Can Of Pork & Beans
With Purchase Of 3 Br 2 Bath Home.

For Sale:
Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50

Nordic Track $300
Hardly Used, Call Chubby

Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"

Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks

Get A Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles Of Beer.

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club

Georgia Peaches
California Grown - 89 Cents Lb.

Nice Parachute:
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained

Free: Farm Kittens. Ready To Eat.

American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100

Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour?
We Offer Profit Sharing And Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7 - $9 Per Hour.

Exercise Equipment:
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs -$175.

Our Sofa Seats The
Whole Mob And It's Made Of 100% Italian Leather.

Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember

Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell.

Open House
Body Shapers Toning Salon Free Coffee & Donuts

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 Box

Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Man - $2.09 Lb.

Ground Beast: 99 Cents Lb.

Things Learned From Children

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.